kel (rockert) wrote,

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home for the summer

so, after a fantastic year in college im back in the less than fantastic poughkeepsie for the summer. while im not going to lie, im not real thrilled with the fact im going to be spending the next 3 months of my life back in the attic of my parents house, so far the time as been enjoyable and relaxing. im actually, get this, enjoying spending time with my family... even tommy. i guess hell just about froze over.

anyways, because i still dont have a job (2498237 applications later im still waiting on some call backs) ive had alot of time to sleep and be reflective and reminicent and what not. which, truth me told, im not sure i really need... whenever i have oodles of time to spend reflecting and reminiscing i always find myself scaring myself, and or regretting things.. which is about where i stand right now.

im afraid of the future. 2 years of school left, which will presumably fly by, and then im out to the real world. i dont know what i want to do with myself.. and while im majoring in marketing and graphic design, i cant see myself ever having an office job if my life depended on it... i really would love to just job hop forever... work at a fishery in alaska, a dude ranch in the mid west, be a bartender at a club med, get an au pair job in london, work at a sheep farm in new zealand, pick fruit in south africa, teach english in vietnam... but really, this all seems very unrealistic.. and i think if i ever really lived like this my parents might hate me for wasting their precious money on a degree which will get no use..

hey, i never said i wanted to go to was just the next logical step. which brings me to another question? what if i am wasting my time in school. what if i do nothing with my education, and work at these jobs which require really, no education but will allow me to suck the marrow out of life if you will. Idunno. i would really love to design handbags, or be a jewelery designer, or open a coffee shop, or work as a dive instructor.. or... eeek... 8,000 things. thats my problem... i cant focus on any one goal. how am i supposed to get anywhere in life with no direction? sure its ok to be a fly by the seat of your pants kinda person, but i feel like that can only get you so far, and then you will have to make plans. have to make decisions.. and lord knows, im not ready for that. and then on top of all this, while i want to do all of these crazy jobs.. i cant really expect to job hop for the rest of my life. that migh be fine until im like 30, but eventually im going to have to settle down and pick one thing i can raise a family and what not. and what if i pick the wrong thing? what if i decide i want to be a furniture refurnisher and miss my calling in say, florist work?

geez.. im getting way ahead of myself here arent i?

I ran across the old mix tape evan made me a few years back.. you know the one with the touching inscription that made my heart flutter..
("Kelly, on this tape I tried to capture the essence of my adolescence and "formative" teen years. This is the tone of my growth and changes; the whale watch, my bonfires, the songs and poems I wrote, my fears and passions...and somewhere in all that you play an important part. I'm so glad I've known you growing up...") yeah, it may seem like nothing really, but it, in all of my free time, made me reminiscent of ev and senior year.. and i really cant wait to see him this summer. I feel like despite how off track i am, he is such a grounding source, and i look forward so much to being able to talk to him like the good old days.

im lonely. and being alone, and being bored, and having nothing to do gives you alot of time to think about why you are alone. which, is no good to say the least.

I feel like even though my life is so good right now, that im really lost and off track. Its like this nagging feeling in my head. Like, yeah kelly you are having fun.. but you will pay the consequences! Like i feel like the bottom is going to drop out any minute.. which is kind of unsettling. Its hard to blance happiness and the unknown i suppose.

if anyone read this far i congradulate you, as its 3:31 in the morning, and if you havent noticed this is mostly incoherent rambling.
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