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late night blabberings: you dont want to read this
20 most recent entries

Date:2006-06-10 00:02
Subject:im baaaaaack

Its been nearly 2 years since I have written in this.
Not to say my life has been a stand still for 2 years, but it might has well of been.

Had senior year at college - blurrr - got myself a real job - moved to boston - did the 9-5 - realized the 9-5 sucked horribly! - quit job - moved back home - bought one way ticket to bangkok departing in October.

Thats my life the past few years in a nutshell. Been some high highs and some low lows, but isnt that the way life is?

I dont know if going to Bangkok is running away from it all, or running to it?I guess we'll find out.

In the meantime, Im in poughkeepsie - where all of my friends have moved on from, where the only boy i ever loved still lives yet he doesnt care about me anymore - where time is going to drag on.

which is why, livejournal, you are going to rise from the ashes.

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Date:2004-06-25 02:01
Mood: cheerful

have you ever had one of those days, where all of a sudden its like a light switch gets turned on in your head. Like all of a sudden, you put on some rose tinted glasses, and everything is just... great.

I feel like the past 2 months... ever since I have been home, I have been in the funk of all funks. I havent wanted to do anything, see anyone, be anywhere... but on my sofa, watching tv, and being totally mute to most of the world.

Yet today, on my way home from my last day of philosophy class, while debating going to the gym, or going home for meatloaf, I just started to smile.

I called Christina, even though we havent been talking and asked her if she wanted to go out.

I went home and showered... I put on real clothes and actually put some thought into my appearance... jewlery and all. For the first time in weeks I axed my sweat pants.

I went to Barns & Nobles.. read some job books, then went to the Cubbyhole with Chris, Ezra and Dee for some Chai... and I chatted and caught up and was happy.

And on my way home I called Megannne... and Brian.... and then Beth... just to catch up and say hello. Becuase I was smiling and wanted to talk to someone and share my good mood.

Isnt it weird how all of a sudden, for no reason at all, you can become happy, without really ever realizing you were unhappy...until that exact moment?

That what today was.

I hope this mood lasts.
Its almost foreign its been so long.

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Date:2004-05-11 19:19
Subject:been so long
Mood: melancholy

so its been, what? nearly a year since i last wrote in this fantastic little doo-dad. In the meantime, I have been around the world. Did some pretty fucked up shit, saw some pretty fabulous things, and had multiple life altering experiences.

but now its all water under the bridge.
im still back in poughkeepsie, jobless, left with all this crap on my mind to think about. yeah ive been there, done that, but really, what do i have to show for it besides my pictures and memories. right now nothing. not one damn thing.

im dating brian again. dont know what to think about that. dont know if im totally wasting my time. probably am.
in the meantime, atleast im getting some.

cape week is next week. woo! all my pals are gonna be back from abroad...plus its jackmans 21st birthday. should be a complete and utter shit show. ill probably wet the bed ill be so drunk. but these things happen... more or less.

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Date:2003-08-17 22:24
Subject:delay delay delay

Right about now my plane should be arriving in Copenhagen, yet im online in Poughkeepsie.

Yes, just a few short hours before our departure Meganne has her passport stolen so we had to delay our whole trip. Figures huh? What are the chances of both of us having our bags stolen the same week? What are the chances that she would have her passport with her when she went to say goodbye to her friends? What are the chances that her friends house would be broken into and only her bag would be stolen? Pretty sure these chances are like one in a million.

And yet, while these chances are so slim, of course they came true. You would think I would have the same luck in the odds winning the lottery.

It kind of scares me though.. it just really seems like something was deliberatly keeping us off that plane today.

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Date:2003-07-31 00:08
Mood: amused

Today my younger brother purchased the book "How to Build a Low-Rider"

Once again i ask myself... where did i come from... and how am i related to these people?

Besides my mother and I's shared love of wine, sometimes I wonder..

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Date:2003-07-23 00:54
Subject:waiting around

I can still smell the chlorine on my fingertips.

Its so strange smelling it. Having it stick to my skin for the first time in so long. After the years of trying to get rid of it- becoming annoyed by it.. the fresh scnent of it now only bring backs happy memories.

And on top of my happy chlorine smell, i'm wearing neon yellow shorts , beat that.

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Date:2003-07-07 18:02
Mood: calm

So I slept through most of monday, which I suppose isnt a waste entirely as I had nothing really important to do with my time... besides maybe watch oprah or go to the gym, neither of which I got around to doing. Now its raining, and my tv is out, and I think i may go back to sleep for lack of better options...

Im still feeling the after effects of my family's belated 4th BBQ yesterday, during which i ate more clams than i thought humanly possible. I still feel gross and sick, nearly 24 hours later. Thank you stomach.

I think I've gotten in to far in respect to Daly. With only a month left in the states, I dont know what im doing. Setting myself up to get hurt, most likely.

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Date:2003-06-29 01:03
Subject:i hate this...

why do i do this to myself?

this is going nowhere, i know. it has no room to breath. no time to allow it to be anything than what it is right now.

and yet here i am, like i have been so many nights this summer hoping he'll come online.

come online and ask me to hang out, or something..at which i will coyly pretend maybe i have something better to do... maybe try and seem like it doesnt matter if we hang out or now, even though all day I've been waiting until midnight until he got off work so he would utter those words..

for the first time in 2 years he has the power.
and i hate it.
and i hate that im online waiting.

but for the first time i dont hate him..
hell, maybe i like him now more so than when we even dated.

funny how things work out.. or dont.

1:30 is last call.. after that I head to bed.. with or without word from said boy. Tonight, sadly will most likely be without...

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Date:2003-06-18 22:50
Subject:Bonnaroo A-Z
Mood: crappy

Bonaroo started out fabulous... and fizzled out fast.

Tuesday- Friday rocked my socks off. Good music. Good drinks. Good drugs. Lots of dirty hippies to share the love.

Saturday-Monday... cell phone dies. I become deathly ill. Miss most of the shows I wanted to see because my throat is so swollen I cannot move, breathe, spit, swallow or anything. Those shows I can make it to I must sit in the back in agony.

Drive home from hell. Want to shoot myself in the face.
Spend next 50 something or so hours in the hospital hooked up to all sorts of nice IVs. yay.

get served more jello than i have ever cared to eat in my whole entire life.

declared i am struck with mono. make out disease. uh-oh.

i feel 23479382792973 times better right now post hosptial but my mother has put me on house arrest. Im 20 years old and locked up. dear lord.

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Date:2003-06-01 00:41
Mood: cheerful

when did evan get hot?

oh boy...

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Date:2003-05-31 17:09
Subject:friday night fiasco!

obviously you dont take me into a christian diner at 2 am after drinking nearly a whole box o wine.

more importantly- you dont sit me infront of a sign that says "no cussing" when i swear worse than a truck driver and hate to be told what i can and cannot do.

really what does one expect to happen in a situation such as this?

albany cant handle this!

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Date:2003-05-26 23:40

saw idenitity today with sam, chris and some bard kids. having no idea what the movie was about i was pleasantly suprised when the credits rolled in the beinning.. john cusack, my love was a star.

however this was a far cry from the 80's romantic comedies which have captured my love and attention. this was no say anything my friends. it was no better off dead.

it scared the bejeepers out of me thats what it did.
bizarre, to say the least.

only my pint of ben and jerrys could soothe my soul.

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Date:2003-05-23 14:49
Subject:work blows
Mood: blah

im at work. working for my dad is like the worst sumer job ever. now especially that he doesnt leave the office and go out on calls. hes constantly up my ass like a thong two sizes too small.

summer is going. 2 weeks by.. I cant say its flown because it hasnt. I cant say its been entirely fun either because its been more routine and bla than actual fun. the hours at work drag. i lick too many envelopes. i have ben going t the gym however. atleast my lard ass is doing something worthwhile.

other news..boys confuse me alot. even boys i used to be able to read like a book confuse me these days, and its unsettling. and by boys i mean daly mostly. he may not be confusing entirely himself, but im confusing myself and his presence isnt much help. i didnt like him. then as soon as he stopped trying and flinging himself upon me, i got frustrated. i dont know if its actual i like you why arent you talking to me anymore frustration, i want ass why arent you talking to me anymore frustration or im bored why arent you talking to me anymore frustration. he doesnt im me anymore, and i dont want to be weak and be the one to talk to him first. childish, i know... but this is the level of our relatioship. Ii cant figure out his motives. if he is waiting to see if i will get in touch with him, if he really doesnt care anymore or if he has someone else.

im psyching myself out. worst of all it doesnt even matter.
sometmes i toaly overanalyze things and people.

bla. is it 4 yet?

i need something new.

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Date:2003-05-18 23:59
Subject:yoga encounter part 1
Mood: bouncy

yesterday i joined the gym with christina for the summer, so as to get in some sort of semi-good shape before i jump town late august.

having done it once before, i decide im going to dedicate myself and take both yoga and pilates classes, to not only tone up my bum, but to make me more centered and in tune with myself and what not.

today, i walked into class and was greated by my instructor, a lovely portly indian man by the name of lorenzo.

I have one word for you. well, actually, 3. HARD CORE MULLET!
The man has a mullet like no other. a fine permed shoulder length mullet accentuated by blonde highlights.

I could hardly believe my eyes. Infact, i was mesmorized by it. as i was trying to do some akward backward stretch position thing, i nearly fell over because I couldnt concentrate. I jsut kept staring at his hair...

oh.. the mullet...

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Date:2003-05-18 00:40
Subject:dead women in my garden

yes, the title is true. however, i suppose that wasnt the most graceful way of putting it.

today, the man who used to own my house, circa 4 years ago, came along with a merriad of friends and relatives to spread the ashes of his dead wife in our flower garden.

i got home from the gym to be greeted with 30 strange people circled around my yard, sipping wine. you can even see the ashes ontop of the woodchips on the ground.

truth be told, its bizarre and kind of freaks me out. i mean, i know its just ash.. but its a person.. was a person.. layed out where everyone can see it.

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Date:2003-05-17 01:24
Subject:hip hip hooray
Mood: ecstatic

tonight. check that, today... was fabulous!

chris and i went t new paltz for the day to do a little shopping, and talk about our lives..you know, fill in the blanks after a semester apart.. and it turned out to be great!

Got the patti rothberg cd at rhino for 2 bucks. (score!) I wasnted to buy the new Stephen Malkmus, but my wallet didnt agree with me. Owell, maybe next time.

I also scored these dope ass tye dye like linen-sh pants... which, while breaking my bank, i feel will be a solid investment. (christina seconded that motion) and in any case, they are wicked cool and im sure if i didnt buy them i would have kicked myself in the head later on, which im real good at.

anyways... so why was my day so fabulous besides these new purchases? welll..


It was so great! My first spearhead concert experience, and what an experience it was.. my feet were dancing and my body was jiving for a solid 2 hours.. yay!

and to top it off i 1) got a free cd 2) hugged michael 3) michael franti called me beautiful!!! Im still glowing!

anyways, all in all it was a solid good day. I had'nt been to a show in quite some time, and i can hoestly say i miss that post concert euphoria so much. glad its back!

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Date:2003-05-16 01:48
Subject:uh oh..

what am i getting myself into.

this is a recipe for doom, on so many different levels!!!

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Date:2003-05-14 03:11
Subject:home for the summer
Mood: nostalgic

so, after a fantastic year in college im back in the less than fantastic poughkeepsie for the summer. while im not going to lie, im not real thrilled with the fact im going to be spending the next 3 months of my life back in the attic of my parents house, so far the time as been enjoyable and relaxing. im actually, get this, enjoying spending time with my family... even tommy. i guess hell just about froze over.

anyways, because i still dont have a job (2498237 applications later im still waiting on some call backs) ive had alot of time to sleep and be reflective and reminicent and what not. which, truth me told, im not sure i really need... whenever i have oodles of time to spend reflecting and reminiscing i always find myself scaring myself, and or regretting things.. which is about where i stand right now.

im afraid of the future. 2 years of school left, which will presumably fly by, and then im out to the real world. i dont know what i want to do with myself.. and while im majoring in marketing and graphic design, i cant see myself ever having an office job if my life depended on it... i really would love to just job hop forever... work at a fishery in alaska, a dude ranch in the mid west, be a bartender at a club med, get an au pair job in london, work at a sheep farm in new zealand, pick fruit in south africa, teach english in vietnam... but really, this all seems very unrealistic.. and i think if i ever really lived like this my parents might hate me for wasting their precious money on a degree which will get no use..

hey, i never said i wanted to go to college..it was just the next logical step. which brings me to another question? what if i am wasting my time in school. what if i do nothing with my education, and work at these jobs which require really, no education but will allow me to suck the marrow out of life if you will. Idunno. i would really love to design handbags, or be a jewelery designer, or open a coffee shop, or work as a dive instructor.. or... eeek... 8,000 things. thats my problem... i cant focus on any one goal. how am i supposed to get anywhere in life with no direction? sure its ok to be a fly by the seat of your pants kinda person, but i feel like that can only get you so far, and then you will have to make plans. have to make decisions.. and lord knows, im not ready for that. and then on top of all this, while i want to do all of these crazy jobs.. i cant really expect to job hop for the rest of my life. that migh be fine until im like 30, but eventually im going to have to settle down and pick one thing i can raise a family and what not. and what if i pick the wrong thing? what if i decide i want to be a furniture refurnisher and miss my calling in say, florist work?

geez.. im getting way ahead of myself here arent i?

I ran across the old mix tape evan made me a few years back.. you know the one with the touching inscription that made my heart flutter..
("Kelly, on this tape I tried to capture the essence of my adolescence and "formative" teen years. This is the tone of my growth and changes; the whale watch, my bonfires, the songs and poems I wrote, my fears and passions...and somewhere in all that you play an important part. I'm so glad I've known you growing up...") yeah, it may seem like nothing really, but it, in all of my free time, made me reminiscent of ev and senior year.. and i really cant wait to see him this summer. I feel like despite how off track i am, he is such a grounding source, and i look forward so much to being able to talk to him like the good old days.

im lonely. and being alone, and being bored, and having nothing to do gives you alot of time to think about why you are alone. which, is no good to say the least.

I feel like even though my life is so good right now, that im really lost and off track. Its like this nagging feeling in my head. Like, yeah kelly you are having fun.. but you will pay the consequences! Like i feel like the bottom is going to drop out any minute.. which is kind of unsettling. Its hard to blance happiness and the unknown i suppose.

if anyone read this far i congradulate you, as its 3:31 in the morning, and if you havent noticed this is mostly incoherent rambling.

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Date:2003-03-31 19:33
Subject:Things that dont happen to anyone but me, part 99879472983723
Mood: crazy

Last saturday night was incident number 9827498237 of things that happen to me which never actually occur in real life, but you may see in a made for tv comedy.

Explanation: Last saturday night I roll into school at around 11, after spending the past 2 days with my parents in boston. Im supposed to be working club night at the hill in an hour, so of course I assume its going to be a fairly uneventful sober saturday for myself.

think again.

I walk into the room next door to me, and am attacked by a mob of drunk people slurring and spilling there drinks all over me insisting I drink... right then... real fast....large quantities. I oblige.

Drink a little in the room, head out to club night still sober with my head on straight, but carrying a few mix drinks incase I cant stand being around the hords of dunken fools which I anticipate arriving shortly to the hill.

Eventually, after being at 913 for maybe an hour or so, I leave with Matt to do some jaeger shots... have a few beers... go back to the club.

Drunkness sets in.
I dance for awhile, and eventually see midget boy.. the boy whom I've been randomly hooking up with this semester but never actually talk to when im sober.

here is where the story takes an "I cant believe this happened to me turn"

Midget boy (whose not really a midget) comes over and we start dancing together. Eventually we both decide its a fine idea to go back to his dorm. So, we do.

So were hooking up on his bed (which happened to be the top bunk), im fairly sure I was lacking most of my clothing, when his roomate starts to open the door, MB and I get flustered and next thing I know im falling from the top bunk onto the floor.... straight onto my head.

so here i am, half naked, MB's roomate at the door, him looking down at me, and my face like bleeding.

I now have this large rug burn on my forehead,so not only can I not pretend this didnt happen, but I also have to explain myself whenever someone asks where the hell I got it. ( of course, I leave out a lot when I tell the story to normal people)

The worst part being? Im pretty sure I got a concussion because I dont exactly remember alot after falling... my roomates filled me in, because when I got back apparently I told them the whole story.

Now I ask you... who the fuck does things like this actually happen to?
Me. Always me. I guess its funny kinda. I mean, I really dont care.. its just very typical of my life.. what a mess!

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Date:2003-03-28 01:08

dont you love it when your roomate talks about you to someone on the phone when your in the room? ohhh wait... I do!!!!

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